Shihan John: "Hey, did you bring those pads like I wanted? The white ones?"
Dan: "Uh, no, sorr-"
Shihan John: "You suck monkeybutt!"

Lisa: "Waaugh! You are the loudest chewer!"
me: "Oh come on, Lis, work on your equanimity."
Lisa: "Equanimity your butt."
me: ::....blink::

"Cuttings of fruit of the ices at last, this liquor in the dessert of the children at the time of the lunch will guarantee you an afternoon of calm and of rest."

Net-translated, from French recipe for "old-boy liqueur"

(Born Again Christians preaching on the U of A mall)
passing student: "Sodomy! Yeah! (to his friends) haha, I'm awesome!"
(too long a wait)
Born Again: "No! Sodomy is a sin! You'll go to Hell!"

out of context from email:
Connie: I think that I dislike her for the same reason that monkeys freak me out.

warming up for mma:
Shihan John: "Hey, looks like the wall's almost done being fixed, good job, guys." [re: two Big Guys grappling their heads into making a giant hole in it]
Paul: "Yeah Brian, what are you going to break next?"
Brian: "Your face, I hope."
(funny thing is, Brian's almost literally twice the size of Paul, and yet has very good reason to fear Paul out of his sheer skill)

(warming up for MMA)
Sensei (can't remember his name): "So, how was everyone's weekend?"
Paul: "Borderline amazing."
Sensei: "Wow, what's the story behind that? Switch sides."
Paul: "Too X-rated for the dojo."
Brian: "Uh, well, I made some boards for cornholing."
class: ::....cough::
Brian: "It's a real thing! There are beanbags filled with corn, and-"
Sensei: "You know, my wife doesn't let me play cornhole with her."
Brian: "::sigh:: Maybe if you bring her over, we can do guys vs girls."
Sensei: "Oh, yeah, sure, I'll definitely cornhole your wife."
and on and on it went....

(after class)
me+other new guys: "Hey Mr Pain, you know how to use this thing?"
Brian: "Oh yeah, it's easy."
Brian: ::sets parry/strike start::......"Oh yeah baby, just let me get close"....::sidles up close, caresses 'arms'....[girlvoice]"Noo, stay away!"...::embraces dummy::...."It's cool, baby, just relax, just relax..."